Sacre Bleu! That Better Be Your Knee!

 

An edgy opening match for the home side saw them go into halftime with a 0-0 draw. The pressure of a result would be mounting, just like this picture of a Romanian on top of a Frenchman playing soccer in all the wrong ways. Olivier Giroud would step up and open the scoring in the 58th minute putting Les Bleu up 1-0. Then the match would get grabby, and Patrice Evra would pull Nicolae Stanciu down in the box. Bogdan Stancu would beat the dive of Hugo Lloris and tie the game at 1-1. Dimitri Payet would bring France its collective feet striking the winning goal in the 89th minute. 2-1 to the Hosts France. But who is ahead in our standings?

FRA 2:1 ROM 

Scriptor: FRA 2:1 ROM        4-2     YC

Artifex: FRA 3:1 ROM          3-1

Quaesitor: FRA 4:1 ROM      3-1     YC

Ferrarius: FRA 1:0 ROM        2-0

Fortuitious: FRA 4:3 ROM    2-0

Historicus: FRA 3:2 ROM      2-0

Musicus: FRA 3:0 ROM         2-0     YC

IoannesNix: FRA 2:3 ROM    1-1

Praeceptor: FRA 0:0 ROM     0-0

Scriptor

Forsit est ut a vobis

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Hailing from the corner of Webster and Ledge, we present the number 1 ranking player according to the Zla Dupki standings. After finishing 2^nd at the 2014 TSzAL World Cup, Scriptor went on to win the 2015 TSzAL Asian Championship held in his very honor. With 106 points (1^st overall) and 20 by way of the bonus (3^rd overall) Scriptor looks to win a second straight tournament. Essentially, it is everyone's task to dethrone him at the top. He is the Evil Empire. So it is no wonder that for this tournament, comparatively speaking, Scriptor is Russia. The former Soviet Union have had ten trips to the World Cup, finishing as high as 4^th back in 1966. They are also making their tenth European Championship appearance having won the first European Cup in 1960, coincidentally also hosted in France. In the modern era they finished 3^rd at the 2008 Euro Cup. Can this once powerful soccering nation return to antiquated form? Probably not, but this year's crew may be more despised for actually being Russian in the West than for their athletic ability. The 2015 edition of Russia squeaked into France by edging out Sweden by 2 points. They were an atrocious 8 points behind Austria. But how you get to the big dance isn't as important as how you perform at it. Scriptor is in it to win it. If you don't like that fact, then that is a "you" problem. Welcome to the Tournament!

Praeceptor

Non tangare

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Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... THE REIGNING! DEFENDING! UNDISPUTED CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!!!!! Praaaaaaaaaaaaae-ceptor! Bringing big game experience from Bean Town, Praeceptor won the inaugural TSzAL World Cup of 2014. With 101 overall points (2^nd overall) and 32 by way of the bonus (1^st overall) you may be asking, "Grand Salmon Alpaca, why does she only rank second in the Zla Dupki standings?" Well, children, gather round. What does one do when they win the World Cup? Apparantly, they arrive late to the Asian Cup and think they can just phone it in. Well, the truth is you can't! An abysmal 4^th place showing cost Praeceptor the number 1 ranking. For the purposes of our tournament, comparatively speaking, Praeceptor is Spain. La Furia Roja have been to big tournaments plenty of times. They even have the greatest run of big tournament finishes in history. It all began with a European Championship in 2008, which they trumped by winning the World Cup in 2010, and to cap it all off they won a second straight European Cup in 2012. That fantastic run ended in the 2014 World Cup when losing 1-5 to Netherlands and following it up with a 0-2 loss to Chile, Spain left for home with a consolation victory over Australia. Like Praeceptor, these former champs are chomping at the bit to get back into the title hunt. They proved that by winning their qualifying group with 9 wins and just 1 loss. Could they become the first ever threepeat champions of Europe? Praeceptor certainly hopes so. Welcome to the Tournament!

Artifex

Exspectare, quid?

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Studying her dark arts at the Smartford's School of Magic, Artifex has found herself on the cusp of some eerie prediction performances. She is one of the original five members to play from the time before records were kept. At the 2014 TSzAL World Cup, she finished 4th overall, but won the first ever Golden Oracle for hitting an astonishing 15 bonus points. She finished the 2015 TSzAL Asian Championship in second place, missing out on a second Golden Oracle by 4 bonus points with a total of 16. She ranks 3rd in the Zla Dupki standings with 98 points (3rd overall) and 31 by way of the bonus (2nd overall). Comparatively speaking, Artifex is our version of Portugal for this tournament. 

Like Portugal's greatest export, Cristiano Ronaldo, she's tall and also found it difficult to win a big international tournament. Ronaldo is arguably one of the best club players to ever play, but seems to disappear on the big stage with his countrymen. He holds the career benchmark for goals scored in Spain's La Liga, though has reached only one final with Portugal. They hosted the 2004 Euros and reached the championship match where they were upset by Greece. They reached France by dominating their group winning 7 games and losing only 1. She will be riding the gorgeous Portuguese Ronaldo with Portugal to try and find her glory. Hopefully her boyfriend won't be too jealous. Welcome to the Tournament!

IoannesNix

 

Ego odi omnibus et braca

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Hailing from the land of the Paugasuck Indians, where the 1812 Oak can be found, our next competitor ranks 4th in the Zla Dupki standings. She finished 5th at the 2014 TSzAL World Cup and improved with a 3rd place finish at the 2015 TSzAL Asian Championship. She holds a career total of 88 points with 17 by the way of the bonus. Comparatively speaking for our tournament, IoannesNix is Sweden. The Blue-Yellows have made some deep runs in tournaments long ago finishing fourth or higher in four World Cups, and reaching the semifinals of the 1992 European Championship which they hosted. They squeaked into this edition of the Euros by edging out Denmark 4-3 in a playoff on the heels of three goals by their greatest player in history, Zlatan Ibrahimovic. This half Ukrainian-half Swedish giant shall be leading his country and IoannesNix on his shoulders in an attempt to give her an edge and a title. She may be down to a knee and 3/4, but that doesn't mean you should count her out. Welcome to the Tournament!

Musicus

 

Vade Hyacintho!

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Hailing from the shores of SaMo, Musicus is a student of the French and English games. He entered the 2014 TSzALWorld Cup where he earned the dastardly honor of being the first competitor to earn a red card. Though his unsportsmanlike conduct cannot be forgotten, we can neither forget his final push to a 3^rd place finish. With 64 career points and 10 by way of bonus, Musicus sits 5^th in the Zla Dupki standings. He sat out the 2015 TSzAL Asian Cup, but reemerges for the 2016 TSzAL European Championship with his eyes on a French prize. For the purposes of our tournament, comparatively speaking, Musicus is Austria. Das Team finished 3^rd at the 1954 World Cup. That's good and well, but that's about as high as they've peaked. History is for the books, and in the modern era Austria hasn't done anything to sing about. They enter they're second Euro Cup, after having cohosted in 2008, by winning their qualifying group. Nine victories and one draw saw them never see defeat. Musicus is sure to see some matches where he just can't score a point. Any success Das Team sees will help guide Musicus to a title. But players beware, he has been known to try a trick or two. <Insert Sick Laughter>. Welcome to the Tournament!

Quaesitor

Saecula saeculorum semper amoris mei dilectissimi

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Hailing from the Bell City, this Scholar is the man without a plan. His first championship was in winning his girlfriend's heart, but that's about as significant as winning the Balkan Cup when we're discussing the second biggest tournament TSzAL holds. Debuting in the 2015 TSzAL Asian Cup, the 6^th ranking member of the Zla Dupki standings finished dead last at that tournament. He holds a career mark of 26 points with 6 by the way of the bonus. For our tournament comparatively speaking, Quaesitor is Albania. The Red and Blacks have never qualified for a major tournament before, but are raring to go after finishing second in their qualifying group. Their nation's symbol of the double headed black eagle represents their autonomy in the Balkans. Quaesitor is hoping to double up on points and show the opposite of love to his opponents, except for one. He'll be hoping Albania go on a run to help give him an edge. Those bells you hear ringing? They might just be for thee. Welcome to the Tournament!

Ferrarius

Calor et percute

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Hailing from the Forest City, Ferrarius is currently the lowest ranking competitor of the TSzAL. An original member, competing in the TSzAL World Cup of 2014, Ferrarius fought valiantly to a last place finish. Sitting out the 2015 TSzAL Asian Championship, Ferrarius returns looking to improve his fortunes with some heating and beating action. On his career, he has scored 41 points, with 8 by way of the bonus leaving him in 7^th place for the Zla Dupki standings. For the purposes of our tournament comparatively speaking, Ferrarius is Hungary. The Magic Magyars of the 1950's were among the best teams in the world. This team finished second twice at a World Cup. They've never finished better than third in a European Championship. They haven't qualified for a major tournament since the 1986 World Cup, and haven't been to a European Cup since 1972. They mark their return to the International scene in France by defeating Norway 3-1 in a two legged playoff. Ferrarius marks his return to the TSzAL fold on the heels of a different sort of championship. He's here to play with fire, and that means someone is getting burned! Pray to whatever gods you believe in that it isn't you, and that Hungary doesn't get red hot. Welcome to the Tournament!

Historicus

Non quasi, sunt tibi inferendo.

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Hailing originally from Plymouth Hollow, a second debuting competitor in the 2016 TSzAL European Championship is Historicus. This competitor knows a good deal about things that have already happened, but does that include the world of football? Comparatively speaking for our tournament, Historicus is Wales. The Dragons of Wales are the third oldest Football Association in history behind Scotland and England. They failed to qualify for a major tournament until this past summer where a second place finish in their qualifying group means they get to leave the British Isles and make way for France. If Historicus makes his way from Debutante to Champion on his first try, he'll be sure to let the world know. To help him out, Historicus will be riding on the backs of Dragons as he hopes Wales can make good on this tournament and go for a deep run. It's not your souls he's after, but your entry fees. The man wants your money. Welcome to the Tournament!

Fortuitous

Nihil est quod displicet aliorum fortuna

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Hailing from parts unknown, debuting in the 2016 TSzAL European Championship is "El Gato Negro", Fortuitous. This masked competitor whose identity is unknown arrives ready to shame the competition. Comparatively speaking, for the purposes of our tournament, Fortuitous is our version of Iceland. The island nation's football association was born in 1930, but had failed to qualify for a major tournament until this past summer where they locked up a second place finish in their qualifying group. With their ticket punched for France, the question is  how well do their opponents know them? Iceland are in the midst of a 15 year plan to develop their countries footballers from a youth level to the national side. Fortuitous focuses more on luck. Still, as far as Iceland go, so far can Fortuitous go. Welcome to the Tournament!